


Brew-ti-ful

by ChaoticCello



Category: Forgotten Realms
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, M/M, Organized Crime, Pining, Right?, Those go together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-25 14:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17726777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticCello/pseuds/ChaoticCello
Summary: Jarlaxle attempts to make Artemis a coffee. Or the Coffee Shop is a front for the Drow Mafia AU nobody asked for.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to those on the discord chat that helped! This probably would have not actually been written without you guys!

He didn’t look up from his phone as the wind chimes chimed and a gust of fresh air entered the shop. It was too early to be the scheduled shipment of weapons, so obviously it was some confused passerby.

It wasn’t terribly often that somebody entered the coffee shop, but whenever somebody did they either left immediately after seeing his drow skin, or they left as soon as they realized he had no intent to serve them. Bregan D'aerthe now has enough negative Yelp reviews that he hadn’t had to ignore a potential customer for almost a month. Perfect for their purposes of being a front.

He continued to flip between both Tinder and Grindr accounts swiping right and left; paying no heed to the foot steps approaching the counter he had his—to Kimmuriel’s complete and utter dismay and his own glee—custom platformed light up wheelie shoes propped up on. If the person had any sense at all, they would figure out that they would not be served any coffee soon.

The person cleared their throat.

Maybe they were senseless after all— _the_ _shop_ _didn’t_ _even_ _smell_ _like_ _coffee_ _for_ _Lolth’s_ _sake_!

Fingers tapped the counter and Jarlaxle finally looked up from his phone to berate the person who was trying to order at the obviously fake coffee shop, but any words died in his throat as he looked at the man.

Dark jeans, a loose fitting leather jackets, a burgundy scarf, and scruff to go with wind blown hair. That man was fine. Gorgeous. Much better than LavenderPanther69 that he had just been reluctantly swiping right on.

His many braceletsclanked and he straightened his hat and smiled at the man. His feet swung around so he was sitting on the counter properly now.

He smiled at short—but probably taller him—dark and handsome. “Welcome to Bregan D’earthe! How may I service y—“

Stormy eyes glared and he was cut off before he could finish his sentence. “Coffee. Large.”

Completely uninterested. Well, Jarlaxle enjoyed a challenge. “Coffee, large.” He paused a for second putting an emphasis on large before popping off the counter. “So, how do you like it.” He purred, licking his lips. “Your coffee, I mean.”

The man did not smile or acknowledge his flirting at all. In fact, he seem he rather unamused. “Black.”

Hard to get. But he could work with it. “Mmm. So you like ‘em black, do you?” He asked, with a laugh and a wink.

The man didn’t even blink and had not a hint of a smile. Well, he’ll win him over yet. He kicked up a heel and glided over to the coffee machines with flourish—making sure to show off his ass that he knew looked divine in his flamboyantly purple skinny jeans.

“One large black coming” he trailed off, partially to emphasize the word and partially because he had no idea if the coffee machine even worked.

Hell, he wasn’t even sure if they actually had any coffee! He hit a button on the machine for show, as he eyes scanned around for something he could do for the man—when an idea hits him.

“Excuse me for a moment. I seem to have run out of filters. Can’t have a coffee without filters! You have to have protection—“ He suggestive arching of an eyebrow. “—for your mouth...from the grounds.”Well, that line wasn’t as well thought out as the rest. But it did earn a slightly change in the man’s expression. The steely hardness was still there, but there was the slightest trace of something else that he couldn’t put his finger on.

“If you just excuse me for a moment, I have to going to grab some from the back.”

With that he was skating to the empty back room dialing his phone. “Kimmi, Kim, Kim-Kim!” He exclaimed into the speaker, talking quickly and not  letting Kimmuriel get an even exasperated greeting in. “Now this task I of the utmost importance and need to be done immediately. I need you to go to Starbucks and get me a large coffee, black—and before you grumble about not being an errand boy—the coffee isn’t for me. We have a customer at the shop and he is so gorgeous it should be a sin; and I haven’t even seen his backside yet but I’m sure it is as gorgeous as the rest of him. And I wan—“

He was cut off by a dial tone. Jarlaxle frowned and fingers began typing on his phone. He really didn’t want it to go this way, but Kimmuriel didn’t really give him much of choice.

 _Coffee_ _at_ _the_ _shop_. _5_ _minutes_.

A quick incriminating video attachment and the text was sent and Jarlaxle was humming as he made his way to the front of the shop.

Beautiful mystery man was still there; staring at him with a raised brow. “Couldn’t find any filters in the back?”

Jarlaxle paused—well he really didn’t have an explanation for that.

The man shook his head and sighed. “Do you even actually know how to make coffee?”

The man clearly wasn’t going to wait for an answer and was turning his heel and walking away from him towards the door.

Well, his backside really sexy as the rest of him—and as much as he enjoyed seeing it, he didn’t want it walking away from him. “Wait!” He called out, leaning over the counter and reaching out as if it would stop the man.

The man paused and turned his head back at Jarlaxle. “Why?” The tone was mirthless and exasperated.

“Just give me five minutes, and I promise I will get you a coffee—free of any charge!”

The man turned fully towards him, with crossed arms. “And listen to five more minutes of innuendos watch you try and fail to figure out to work the coffee machine?” He shook his head.

“I’ll give you all the money in the register if I fail.”

The man eyed him. Jarlaxle grinned with glee—he had him. “All the money on your person—I doubt the register even has any cash.”

He couldn’t help it as his grin got bigger. Not only is the man eye candy, he seemed to have a wit to him after all. “Deal.” 

The man more fully entered the shop taking his time to lean on the customer side of the counter, eyeing Jarlaxle with those beautiful eyes that now held a layer of amusement beneath their coldness. 

It took a full 3 minutes before the man spoke. His head rested in his head propped up on elbows and it was quite a view that Jarlaxle was fully enjoying. “Are you even going to try and make a coffee—or are you going to use the full time to stare?”

Before hecould reply, the door chimed and in stormed Kimmuriel, the perfect picture of fury armed with a Starbucks cup that he shoved in Jarlaxle’s direction before he curled his lips in distain at mystery man and left the shop without a word.

The man’s jaw was slack—speechless—as Jarlaxle took the Starbucks cup, poured the contents of the cup into one of their own and pulled out a pen.

“Do you have a name for me to put on the cup?” 

The man could only shake his head, in disbelief. Well, if the man wouldn’t give him his name the least Jarlaxle could do was give him his number as he began scrawling digits on to the cup. 

“Free of charge, as promised—even though I never make the pretty ones like yourself pay.” He winked as he hand over the cup.

Any amusement, bafflement and hint of softness melted away from his face. In fact he acted as if Jarlaxle had punched him in the face, rather give out his number. He was all hardness, scowls and glares again as took the coffee and left without a further word.

A feeling of disappointment hit him. He really thought he was going to win mystery man over.

Well, he suppose he couldn’t have them all. Pity—as he pulled out his phone, propped himself back into the counter,  began forlornly swiping on his apps again. 

Though the pity fades and becomes a face splitting smile when a notification popped up on his screen.

 

 _This_ _is_ _pumpkin spice_! _Not_ _black_!

 

He laughed and typed a reply, for once glad for Kimmuriel’s petty revenges. He had the man’s number

_I promised a coffee. Not the correct coffee!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jarlaxle remains smitten and Artemis returns to the shop with a side of snark and sass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jarlaxle has less innuendos, but Artemis has more snark. If he is out of character, blame the wine that might have influenced most of this chapter.

The astringent scent of nail polish filled the air as he was comfortably splayed on  his stomach atop the counter of the coffee shop, painting his nails. He hadn't been sure about the hot pink with glitter when he had lifted it—but once applied it made a rather striking effect against his skin tone.

He ignored his phone as it chirped. Zaknafein’s assigned tone. He was most likely trying to ascertain Jarlaxle’s whereabouts. It wasn’t a delivery day; there was no reason to have Bregan D’earthe open. There was no reason to have anybody important—like himself—present in the shop.

But despite that, he still found himself here for some inexplicable reason. Leaving important meetings to Kimmuriel and shirking his own responsibilities. His phone chirped again. Twice. Another of Zak’s and then Kimmuriel’s tone a second later.

Responsibilities those closest to him were no doubt nagging him about. He continued to ignore his phone and signed. It had been three weeks since he had seen _him_.

The handsome human who walked into the shop and walked out of the shop—and Jarlaxle’s life—with ease. Those stormy eyes, the scruff of his five o clock shadow, hells even the cold glare had burrowed a place in his mind. Left him distracted. A fool.

His phone continued to go off and he considered throwing it across the room—even if it would mess up his presently drying nails.

The door chimed and he had the urge to shout in frustrations at his subordinates. Instead he didn’t look up. “Didn’t ignoring your messages give you enough of a hint I wish to be left alone? Whatever it is just handle it!”

“You owe me a proper coffee; but if you want me to leave….”

His heart halted in his chest. The voice nor the words belonged to Kimmuriel like he had expected.

Jarlaxle’s head snapped up. The voice was not a hallucination—There he was; standing in the doorway in all of his glory. The same leather jacket and scarf but this time with a gray knit hat with the lightness dusting of snow. Nose and cheeks with a faint hint of red rosiness from the cold. He somehow looked even better than last time.

His jaw was dropped and then the accusation was out his mouth—fingers pointing—before he could stop it. “You texted me from somebody else’s phone!”

The man laughed. Actually laughed. It was beautiful; dark, sardonic with maybe a hint of meanness in it.. A tightness as he felt his heart flutter in his chest.  He could just melt in that laugh. This man—this human— was going to undo him, simply by laughing.

He needed him in his bed.

“Marry me.” Words of complete impulsivity, more to get a reaction—another laugh perhaps—from the man. Put him off guard, break down walls and leave a way for himself to burrow in.

The man scrunched his face, wrinkles forming between his forehead as he chortled—shocked. It was only a second before that faded and he was stifling another laugh more amused. “But what would I do with a drow wife that can’t even make a coffee?” Gorgeous was approaching closer to the counter—almost in reach. Leaning in towards him, almost close enough to kiss. He felt himself unconsciously licking his lips. “A coffee that you still owe me.”

And then the man was leaning away, standing back on his heels and out of reach. It was Jarlaxle’s turn to laugh. Zak was right for once. _He had it bad._ “You do realize we don’t actually serve coffee here, right?”

The human smirked and raised a brow. A challenge. “That didn’t stop me from getting one last time.”

“No, it didn’t.” He found himself agreeing with a smile. He was clearly being manipulated by this sexy, sexy human. He couldn’t find it in himself to care. If going with it meant he could keep looking, keep talking to the man—he was going to go with it.

“And it’s free.”

Jarlaxle raised a brow.  Perhaps a bit presumptuous—though undoubtedly true. Still to say it out loud. “Who's to say that?”

The man raised his brow this time and threw previous words back into his face. “What, am I no longer considered pretty?”

“Oh you are.” The words were _almost_ breathless as he made a show of eyeing him up and down. This man was perfect. Snark, wit and attractive? It was such a pity he didn’t have his real number—but maybe that can be rectified. He pointed towards his phone. “Passcode is 0455. Dial Zak and put him on speaker.” A smile. “Feel free to add in your own info while you’re at it.”

The man only stared at him in disbelief. A bit discomforted and a step further away. Perhaps the eyeballing was too much?

Jarlaxle simply wiggled his fingers at him. “I would dial myself but they are still drying.” The nails were honestly almost done drying, but to get him closer again...

It worked. The man was shaking his head and then reaching for the phone in front of him. “Of course your passcode is Ass. What else would it be?” He was muttering under his breath as he typed in the code.

“8008 for boob, of course!” A grin split his face and he blowed on his nails.

The man took a deep breath in, looked as if considered saying something, but instead of commenting, he just set the phone down beside him as it rang.

Zak’s voice was gruff and annoyed as he answered. “ _Where in the Nine Hell’s have you been and why are you ignoring everybody? Kimmuriel is pissed about something you left him and—“_

The words were in drow and Jarlaxle quickly cut him off, speaking in common. “That’s all well and fine good; but I need you to bring a large black coffee to the shop immediately.”

“ _A coffee? We are having major issues involving Luskan and you are going on about a coffee!”_

An eye roll—Luskan, well that explains all the text messages he had been ignoring. _“I trust my lieutenants to be competent enough to handle minor issues without me! Now the gorgeously stunning human is back in the shop and requires a coffee—and I require you to go get it.”_ He was speaking in drow—tone sharper than before; leaving no room for argument from Zak.

He looked up at the man, melted any harshness off his face and smiled a smile that he knew made both ladies and men tremble. “You can hang up the phone now.” Back to common and ignoring Zak’s voice in the background telling them not to hang up the phone that quickly cut off as the human hung up the phone.

He was pushing his body up, so he sitting and no longer was all but laying on the counter. Carefully, to not muss his polish, he patted the counter space next to him. “Have a seat.”

A raised brow, and the man made no move to sit. “The counter and not your lap? I’m surprised.”

Oh, He really had missed an opportunity there—but if the man was suggesting.  “If that is where you want to sit, I have no complaints.”

The slightly off put look was back, but at least he wasn’t stepping further away again. “I’m fairly certain that is a health code violation.”

“I’m fairly certain that doesn’t matter when we don’t actually sell coffee.”

“Speaking of coffee, do I actually have a coffee coming or should I be going?”

He chuckled. “I assure Zak will be bringing the coffee, if only to throw it at me while telling me off.”

A snort. “You probably deserve it”

“You wound me so! You know I’m exactly how you like your coffee—“

“I swear if you say strong and black, I will leave.”

Well that was his line, but he was if nothing else a talented improviser. “What if I say tastes great on your lips? Though I must say, I’m flattered that you noticed my strength!”

He never did get to hear the reply because just as the man was opening his beautiful mouth the door chimed and in came a grumpy Zaknafein.

A Starbucks cup with the name _Kat-Eee Brie_ written on it—and he pitied at whatever unfortunately named girl undoubtedly had their drink stolen from them— was thrust directly into the human’s hands. Not even a second later Zak’s hands were pulling _him_ up the counter to drag him towards the door.

“ _Zak! What exactly do you think you are doing?”_ He demanded, yanking an arm out of his subordinate's punishing grasp.

“ _Your human’s coffee is delivered. Now unless you want a disastrous situation to happen with Luskan—which you would know about if you didn’t hang up your phone—your presence is required immediately.”_

And the hands were back on him, stubbornly tugging at his sleeve—the wheels on his shoes making him slide across the floor with ease; while his still nameless mystery man was standing by the counter just staring.

Well, there was no merchandise being kept at the shop, nothing of particular value being stored, and the locks are due for a change soon anyways—and it would insure that the human would be obligated to come back.

The hand that wasn’t being drug to the door, reached into his pocket and out came a set of keys he was tossing across the room. “Got to run! Urgent business that I have to attend to. Lock up on the way out and see you next time!”  He called out, blowing a kiss and winking just before the door slammed shut.

 


End file.
